Am I Paralyzed?
Waking Up on Life Support
In a complete state of panic I am waving my hand around, which someone finally realized I was asking for a pen and paper. I just woke up and there are tubes coming from and going into everywhere. I can't speak. I can't move my arms or my legs.
What the fuck is going on? Why can't I move? Get all these tubes out of me! Why can't I talk? Where the hell am I? And it's so fucking loud, can't someone shut up all that noise? Beeps, alarms, buzzing like there's a 5 alarm fire and the truck is driving in my brain.
My mom brings me a pen and a piece of paper. I think I am writing, "Am I paralyzed? What's wrong with me?" There are tears in her eyes as she shows me the paper I just wrote on, and it's covered with dots in no certain or discernible pattern. They certainly don't portray the question I desperately need answered immediately. I am slowly realizing all the noises are the machines I'm hooked up to, the sources of all the tubes and wires. There's something down my throat, things attached to my fingers and head, I think more than one IV. But none of this explains why I can't move. I think I've finally gotten across my questions using my eyes, frantically looking at my mom and then to my legs, and finally she says, "You aren't paralyzed, you're in the hospital. It's not good, honey, I'm so sorry. We don't really know everything right now, except that you are not paralyzed and the rest of what we know is hard to explain." I'm trying to move my arms, and she explains, "You keep waking up and pulling out your intubation tube and your IV so they had to strap your arms and legs down -- you even kicked over a mach.... Oh, she's back asleep."
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